I hate how I can't stop thinking, you know? Are you the type of person whose head always sounds like the terminal of a Airport because so many thoughts are zooming by, and it feels as if you are standing still watching all the world go by? I feel that way so much right now, all I can do is look at my feet, close my eyes, and rub my head in pain. It honestly hurts to think. Mixing the insomnia, stress, and depression causes my mind to go off on so many roads it's hard to keep up with me when I do talk.

I've been really quiet lately, because I have nothing of value to say. I've been so lethargic and obsequious too...so out of my character. Usually, I'm the type of person to have a moral ground and make judgments off that, but I can't now. It's like some unforeseen thing is blocking me from making my decisions. I think Laurel had a huge imprint on my life, and forever will. I believe she made me who I am today. That is the reason for my song on my page. It is such a great sounding song, of course, but it's also just how I feel. I can't not think about the past, even though I said that I was over it. I wish I could...it's too much a part of me for me to shut out. Maybe in time, I'll be as closed off as I used to be...maybe I'll stay as a very passive person and maybe this is a new chapter of my life.

When I go down to Pulse/Surreal, its also how I feel. It's like how my heart has a pulse, but it's on auto-pilot, and not doing the things it should be. How I should be trusting of people, and how I should be over this, and how I shouldn't care that she's fucking someone else, and that he "loves" her. All I can do now is sigh, shake my head and hope for some rain. Maybe tonight I'll take a walk and think about what's happened this year some more...

Printemps Emeraude is about a person getting over depression and seeing the beauty in life. I picked that song because I love it's meaning. I love how naïve it is, or rather, how naïve I am for being like that. How I still find beauty, but how I'm so depressed...I'll never understand me. Born is relatively the same.

Ruines Humaines is a very sappy song, but it's great. It's describing lethargy, or rather apathy in its purest form. My apathy is caused by depression and my lack of trust, but I am still rather apathetic for someone who cares so much. It's a contradiction, I know, but it's who I am. Nobody matters anymore, and they probably never will, but hey, maybe I'll move on completely some day, and I'll be happy again, finding that bliss I once found. I'll forever search for it, but I may never find it again. Having it for that brief moment that I did made me crave it, like a drug, so I will forever be addicted.

Fatigue is basically about the Fatigue of love, and what it's like to be in love...what it's like to be left...what it's like to love again, even though you know you shouldn't. It's what I go through, it's my thoughts.

Through my haze of insomnia and depression, I see light. I honestly do see a brighter future. I just don't know which road is the right one. Which one has the more bountiful side to it? I mean, Brooke is a gorgeous girl, and she cares about me, and I care for her enough to hurt anyone who hurts her, to protect her, and I'd care for her, and maybe in time, love her again. Caitlyn is like a sister to me, on the other hand, who would do the same for me, even if it meant her life. I honestly don't know and it drives me insane to think about losing either one.

I'm just so fed up with people. I'm tired of hearing these thoughts...

"You love her, don't you..."
"Why?"
"Why would you go through this again, so soon?"
"You haven't seen her in so long"
"Get it out of your head; you're a piece of shit. She just wants to use you too..."
"Just leave her be...she doesn't want you"
"Just move on..."

"...You're not going to, are you?"
"You're going to get hurt again"
"This is going to kill you one way or another"

I'm honestly tired of that...my conscious tells me to do otherwise what I think I'm going to do, but I can't listen to it, because I crave so much what I have lost.